The Hunger Games: Bella Edition
by vaccined
Summary: This book follows the original Hunger Games plot but, instead of Hunger Games characters, there are Twilight characters. Caution: if you don't get extreme sarcasm, this book is not for you. I make fun of the Twilight characters in this in a funny way. I don't hate Twilight, I just think it's hilarious when people compare Edward to a fairy. Reader discretion is advised.
1. Chapter 1

When I wake up, the other side of the bed is empty. My fingers stretch out and I only feel the other side of my cold bed. Thank God Edward wasn't watching me while sleeping again. This must only mean one thing- Edward is putting on glitter for the Reaping.

I prop myself up on one elbow. There's enough light in the room to see my dad, Charlie, curled up with my step sister, Rafflesia. In his sleep, my father looks older; memories of my mother and death tear him down. Esia is as pure as a garbage can, as lovely as the Rafflesia for which she was named. My father was quite a sex cat too. Or so they tell me.

Sitting at Esia's knees, farting on her, is the world's stupidest cat. What is the purpose of cats anyways? They don't fight over my love or try to kill my family by sucking their blood. This is why dogs are better; or wolves in particular.

His nose is out in a point with his ears perked up hearing the world, eyes the color of grass. She named him Piss, insisting that his mustard yellow coat matched the bodily fluid. It's afraid. Of me, I don't know. I think it's more scared of Edward because he looks at it like its sushi every time he comes over.

I remember when I first found him. I was sitting in the forest writing my pathetic life story down in a notebook (which by the why I might publish; I'm thinking of calling it "The Twilight Saga") when I saw a set of paws walking around. I thought it was a friend of Jacob, the werewolf that my dad adores, so I looked up. Instead of seeing hard, nasty claws, I saw fluffy cheeks looking up at me. I wanted to trap it so it could be my first kill when Edward turns me into a vampire, but Esia made me promise to not kill him. Edward and Jacob both hate him. The only thing they both agree on.

I swing my legs off the bed and walk down stairs into the kitchen. I poured myself a bowl of my favorite cereal- Grumpios (who wants to eat Cheerios when your life sucks). Right when I took my first bite I saw a big disco ball right behind me.

"God Edward why do you have to scare me all the time can I eat in peace?"

"Sorry babe." He laid his fairy wand on the table.

"Are you looking forward to the Reaping?" The sarcasm in his tone was very prominent.

The Reaping is an event that the government holds each year. Two kids are picked from the ages 2-18, one of each gender, to fight to the death in an arena for the Volturi's entertainment for the annual Hunger Games. Vampires like crazy stuff like that. One year it was in a ball pit. That's the first year someone from our district won. It was also the first year a toddler won the competition.

Edward is very lucky. He, along with the government, is a vampire. Because of this, he has only a very slight chance of getting picked. The government says they enter vampires in the drawing but no one has ever seen a vampire in the arena.

For the rest of us, our name is put into the drawing once every time you complain. Usually the poorer you are the more you have to complain about. My family is middle class. I hold the record for the most entries.

"No, but I guess it's practice for when you turn me into a vampire."

"That is if you make it out alive."

"God Edward just because your internal temperature is like -0 degrees doesn't mean you have to be such an asshole."

"We could do it, you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"Leave the District. Run off. Live in the woods. You and I, we could make it."

"But there will be nothing to complain about. Besides, we have to go to the Reaping. Now go. I can hear my dad waking up."

He picks up his wand off the table, sprinkles a little pixie dust on himself, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. So effortlessly he disappear from my point of view. I wonder what he's going to do now. Hopefully not try to fly again. My dad gets tired of getting him down from trees. He gets stuck easily.

My dad lazily walked down stairs holding Esia's hand, yawning. Esia is already in her pink dress; the dress that I used to wear for most of my Reapings until I grew out of it.

"Good morning little Fuck!"

I help Esia tie the bow in the back of her dress and put her hair in one long braid.

Fuck is a nickname I call her. That's what my parents used to call her when she was a little baby. After mom died, Charlie has never called her that again. Only I still do.

Esia turned around and gave me a big hug. She whispers "thank you" and then sits down at the dining room table.

Our house is tiny, almost miniscule. It is located at the edge of District 12. A few streets over from my block are the gates that lock us in. I don't know if the gates are trying to lock us in, or trying to lock something out. I guess I'll never know.

I grew up hearing stories of my mother's hunting abilities. Sadly I do not have any of these. This sucks because I can't help provide my family with fresh meat, and it will be harder for me to hunt when Edward turns me into a vampire. I so can't wait.

My house is the smallest house on the block. When you enter through the door, to the left there is an old couch covered in alcohol stains. My dad is a heavy drinker. To the left of that is an old oak dining table. Stacked upon it are used school books checked out at the library. In front of the couch is an old TV. The surface is covered with old coffee rings and pictures of my mother. In front of the table is the doorway to the kitchen. In front of the door is the staircase to the upstairs. Up there there is a bathroom and a bedroom. Sadly no walk in closet. Everyone needs a walk in closet. And a windowless room for their vampire boyfriend.

There was a knock on the door. Charlie looks out the window and saw a short girl with a matching dark hair pixie cut standing with a box in her hand, smiling.

"Oh, Alice, come in!"

Alice is Edward's sister.

"Sorry for coming this early. Yesterday I was out shopping and thought that, since this will be Bella's last Reaping, she should have a new dress. " She sets the gown down on the stack of history books. She left before anyone could say thank you.

Since Piss puked on my outfit from last year, I was internally grateful. I took the dress and ran upstairs to try it on.

The dress was a deep purple. Dark and vibrant colors are a lot more expensive so most of my dresses are pastels. I hate this because I can't buy a dress dark enough to match the darkness of my soul.

Edward and his family are able to afford dark, rich colors because of his dad's wealth. Carlisle, Edward's "dad", is a doctor. Because of this, they are able to live comfortably in a mansion by the Victor's Village, which is the place of residence for Hunger Games winners. When we get married I can get part of that wealth too. Maybe I can book my first gynecologist appointment.

The dress was medium length and hit right above my knee. It had a sweet heart neckline- how ironic. It cinched in at the waist bringing out the little curve I have in my boy-looking body. It was beautiful. I put my hair up in a braided bun and ran downstairs.

"Wow. I have nothing to bitch about. I'm totally bitchless."

"That's a first," mocks my dad.

"Shut up," I retaliate. He laughs.

I look at the clock. "Look, it's 1:45. It's almost time for the Reaping. We should go now."

Charlie kisses me and Esia on the cheek and gave us each huge hugs. Parents aren't allowed to go to the Reapings. "I love you two so much. Have I ever told you how much you look like your mother?"

We both chuckle. "Yes," I respond, "almost every day."

"Always remember that." He smiles.

Me and Esia walk hand and hand out the door to our fate.


	2. Chapter 2

The Reaping is held in the Central Square. Every district has one. It is always right in the middle of the district. Usually it is filled with mothers begging for food for their children because their husbands have gone out to war and can't supply the family with money and sales men trying to make you go into their store. Today Central Square will be crowded with news reporters with cameras and kids 2-18 waiting to see if they will be chosen.

Central Square is sectioned off into age categories: 2-10 to the right, 11-18 to the left. Before me and Esia go our separate ways, she stops me.

Her eyes are full of despair. "Bella, I'm scared."

"Why?"

"What if," she looked straight into my eyes, a tear slid down her cheek, "what if I get picked?"

"That would suck. Besides, your name is only in there once. You never bitch and complain."

We split up and go to our designated areas. I stand in line. You have to get your finger pricked. To see if you're healthy I guess; I'm honestly not sure why. I'm next, and while I'm pricked, I give Esia a reassuring glace. She'll be fine. I'll make sure she's fine. She's the only person I would ever die for. Okay, that is an exaggeration. I would die for Edward. Luckily he doesn't do anything stupid like go to the Volturi in Italy and take off his clothes in plain sight because he thought that I killed myself. Now that would be very idiotic.

I walk by a group of people my own age- 18. We stand in a clump as we are ready for the announcers to stand on the stage and tell us our fate.

The stage is positioned in the east so, as the sun continues to rise on this pathetic day, the lighting would be perfect. They don't care about the lives on millions but they care about how well they look on television. Woohoo, the people who work in this country are wonderful.

It's frame is made out of rusty iron and is sitting on wheels for transportation purposes. The actual floor and stairs is made out of dirty cement. The same stage is being used in every district to look uniform. District 12 is painted onto the middle of the stage to determine which one to send to which district. One year, someone sent the District 3 stage to us. His body has never been located.

Right int front of the painted District 12 on the stage is a wooden podium which is where the afternoon's speakers will be speaking. Right next to that is a wooden table which holds a two bowls- one for girls names and one for boys names. These aren't just any bowls, but the bowls which hold the names of who will be put into the next Hunger Games.

This isn't just happening in our district; It is happening all over Pamen. Every child from ages 2-18 from their district stand in their central square to find out who will be selected in the hunger games.

I imagine our president, Mr. Snow, sitting and watching the Reaping from his comfy chair at the Pamen headquarters which is located in the Capitol. I bet he is mocking us right now. He is mocking us as we tell our friends and siblings goodbye, not knowing if this will be the last time we see each other. He is mocking us as we pray to God that we will not be chosen. He is mocking us as we cry due to the fact that our lives are in the hands of a president who does not give a shit about its citizens. Of course, if I said this out loud I would probably get beaten publically. Instead, I raise my head up high. I raise it to the clouds. Yes, Rain might take my life, but he will never take my dignity. I destroy my dignity by doing other stupid stuff I don't need it ruined by crying.

I glance around at children's faces. They look so innocent. None of them look old enough to know how to kill someone, to know how to save their own life. If they get picked, the youngest would die first. Part of me thinks it will be a good laugh. As long as it's not Esia then I don't care. Edward will be fine- he can fly to get away from people. He could murder a contestant and have a snack at the same time! This is why I wish Edward had bit me earlier. I cry as much as a child so the two year olds don't got nothing on me. Me being a vampire could really give me an advantage.

Our mayor- a fat old man that lives on the corner of my street- walks on stage. Someone throws a twinkie at him. He twitches, catches the twinkie, and hides it in the podium. He blushes and fixes his microphone.

His cheeks get redder by the minute as he speaks. His armpit stains get yellower as the day ticks on. I, as well as the rest of Pamen, can tell how scared he is. He doesn't want to mess up, knowing that if he does it could cost him his job. I wonder why someone would want to pick a job with so much stress, but then I remember that the mayor's kids don't get put into the drawing. Lucky bastards.

A woman followed by a young child walks on the stage after him. I don't even glance in her direction but I can tell who she is by the sound of her staple red high heels on the cement stairs. I know her from somewhere- my nightmares.

The mayor looks at him. "You better watch out, Jane might purposely pick you to be next in the hunger games." He laughs. No one else does.

Jane Clarkson is Rain's secretary. Since he cannot be at every Reaping at once, he forces his many secretaries to attend for him. I remember last year I got the hot male secretary. I gave him a blowjob behind the stage to make sure I wouldn't get picked. I asked him what I would have to do to make sure I or my sister would get picked this year but anal wasn't worth it.

She is wearing black slacks, deep red shoes, and a matching deep red v-neck long sleeved bloused. We get it, you're rich and able to afford deep colored clothes, don't rub it in our faces. Her nude lips contrast with the richness of her outfit. Her hair was up in a bun to keep her hair out of her face since it is a windy afternoon. Even though she is attending such a depressing event, she looks quite dazzling. The irony makes me want to puke.

Next to her stood a 10 year old boy. He is the first winner of the Hunger Games for our district. His long brown hair fell in a fringe on his forehead. The stress induced wrinkles on his face look strange on his young skin. The reason they are there is inhumane. No child should have to be put onto so much pressure, even after his victory in the Hunger Games.

The mayor looks back at his audience. "My name is Mr. Sawyer, your mayor, and this is Jane."

He gives the crowd an awkward smile, obviously feeling nervous. Sweat drips down his forehead and lands on his microphone. No one claps.

Mr. Sawyer moves to the side of the stage as Jane walks to the wooden podium. "Hello and good morning. Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor." She gives the sly smile that a serial killer makes before he murders his victim.

No matter how dreadful this event is, we all have to pretend like it actually means something. We have to pretend that there is happiness somewhere in this madness called life to survive. Life sucks.

I look around through the crowd. I catch a glimpse at Esia. She looks so gorgeous in my old pink dress. Why couldn't I have been as pretty as her? Her hair is blowing in the slight breeze that is cast over the district. Too much worry, too young.

I look around again. Me and Jacob hold eye contact for a second. He shaved for the Reaping I see. Every few seconds I catch a glimpse of him taking his shirt off and putting it back on. His abs are amazing. They are not hairy, weird, or glittery like Edward's. Oh well.

He has nothing to worry about, lucky mother fucker. Werewolves have to compete but because of their immense strength they are only entered once. But if they are selected, they cannot change into a werewolf in the arena. That sucks because he can't use their skills to their advantage. If they try to anyways, they will be immediately killed. How? I'm not sure. No werewolf has risked it.

"Ladies first!" Jane put her hand in the bowl. Ew, her fat fingers smell like Popeyes.

She twirls her hand around in the bowl while looking at the faces of children. Children who should be home with their families, and not being picked to die or to live. I should be trying to have sex with Edward. Again.

The anticipation is immense as she takes her time to pick a name. What a bitch. Finally, she picks a piece of paper with her fingers and pulls it out of the bowl. She slowly opens it, and her eyes widen as she reads off the name that is written.

"Rafflesia Everdeen!"

Maybe I should have had that anal.


End file.
